I Really Need a Poo

I know you don't want to hear this but I'm afraid I'm going to tell you anyway.

I haven't had a poo since Sunday night. This is not a normal situation for me I'm a two times a day man. To be fair this is perfectly normal when I go into hospital.

My pristine arse cheeks have not sullied the sides of a bed pan in all the visits to hospital I've had over the last going on forty years. I wait, as any red blooded male should, until I can access a proper toilet, preferably my own proper toilet.

However events have taken a certain turn for the worse today. I've managed to put my back out whilst washing my bollocks, this was unexpected, not to say a little fucking inconvenient. 

I know most of you will find this difficult to believe but I can hardly sit up let alone shuffle arse first to the loo.

And now I am assailed by the second existential dilemma in two days. I really want to take some codeine to relieve my unbelievably painful back.

Just as an aside the ankle appears to have spontaneously healed itself. I think it just thought,
   'Ooh this is nice, his backs taken over, I'll just lie low and wait until he's not expecting it'.

So back to the case in point, I would really like some lovely codeine which would stop the agony in my back but... and here again is the nub...I would also really quite like a shit and if I take the codeine that is not going to happen as codeine ladies and gentlemen of the jury is well known for blocking up the chutney channel tighter than the Newport tunnel just before a One Direction concert.

I suppose there is one upside to taking the codeine. My back won't hurt quite so much and even if I don't take it,  I can't get to the loo to have a shit anyway.

I love my life

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