Have you Turned it Off and On Again?
I have decided to make a radical departure from the script, up to this very present moment I have regaled you with happenings from my day. The titanic...hah, used that yesterday, I'm running out of vocabulary...and ultimately successful struggle with constipation, the wildly exciting interlude that was bath night, I've even told you how I walk up stairs, which will show you how little goes on in my days.
Ocean and Helen have both just wandered into the house preceded by a phone call from my mother-in-law with the result that as usual I've completely lost the thread. I had a whole plethora of things to write about and they have now all dropped out of my brain without as much as a 'by your leave'.
Well, the one thing I can't tell you about is my day, unless, that is, you are deeply interested in the minutiae of trying to ensure that an API (Application Programming Interface) returns the correct data from a data warehouse...jeez, even I'm starting to yawn...or my nearly half hour long fight to get Skype to login on the worst laptop ever invented...and, yes, I did turn the fucking thing off and on again. Or the hour long telephone conference where I was absolutely dying for a piss after half an hour and thought that my bladder was going to explode, however I have found that it is quite possible to carry on a completely cogent conversation with four different people whilst using the pee bottle. I will say that was a first for me, taking a piss in the middle of a meeting whilst still talking. But, and this is the very nub, my day was by and large filled with dreary work related shite that you really do not want to hear about.
I could tell you about my new chair,...that was moderately exciting, for me anyway...as I have told you, my principle means of locomotion is the office chair. It means I can wheel myself into the kitchen and inspect the contents of the fridge and make tea and toast at two in the morning. The only problem is, it is a very elderly office chair, I'm fairly sure it was the result of one of Helen's many roadside scavenging trips, so I have no idea how old it is but I've worn through the fabric on the back and now the wheels won't roll properly. This is a considerable inconvenience to the office chair bound cripple,...am I allowed to use the word 'cripple' even about myself? Somehow it seems wrong...especially a fat middle aged cripple who can only use one leg. One of the wheels will intermittently stop going round and if that is the wheel that is currently leading the charge...as it were...then if my quite considerable bulk is not evenly distributed it will do it's best to decant me onto the floor. This was moderately exciting the first time it happened but after the twentieth repetition it swiftly became a complete pain in the arse. So a quick visit to the marvel that is Amazon and I purchased a new chair that arrived today.
The delivery of this chair was fraught with incident. As befits my exalted status, I have an Amazon Prime account. It was purchased in a moment of madness in 2016 'cos it was free for a month and just like everyone else I forgot to cancel it...so why are we talking about Amazon Prime...oh yes, the first incident was quite shocking...the chair was not eligible for Prime, I had to wait...yes, really...I had to wait for at least 3 days for it to be delivered. I received an email from Amazon telling me it would be delivered tomorrow which is a Wednesday, unfortunately tomorrow I have to visit the Land of Mordor once more to have the cast changed.
Therefore with considerable...fuck me, that's about the 10th time I've used 'considerable', I'm open to suggestions for alternatives... foresight I emailed the seller to explain that I might not be here and could they leave it in the porch. They replied with a firm 'nolle prosequi',...no I haven't a fucking clue what it means either, it just makes me sound erudite...they would only leave it if it could be welcomed into the bosom of the family personally. However,...jeez however is raising it's ugly head again...they also intimated that it was going to be delivered on Tuesday, whoo hoo, oh hang on...I'm supposed to go to the doctors on Tuesday, but, I am nothing if not decisive, especially when it comes to having new purchases delivered. It was but the work of a moment to cancel the trip to the doctors and sit around in bed all day, pissing during meetings and drinking tea. Eventually we heard the fateful knock on the door and the chair arrived.
I leapt from my bed and hobbled into the hall, released the chair from it's cardboard confines and, after much swearing, assembled it and...and sat on it. That's it really, I put it together and sat on it and it rolls along quite satisfactorily.
Now, I know I promised that I would be departing from the script at the beginning of this latest witter, but the arrival of daughters, spouses and phone calls from mothers in law, completely expunged from my brain whatever it was I was going to tell you. I will endeavour to remember at some later date.
Cheers
Charlie
Ocean and Helen have both just wandered into the house preceded by a phone call from my mother-in-law with the result that as usual I've completely lost the thread. I had a whole plethora of things to write about and they have now all dropped out of my brain without as much as a 'by your leave'.
Well, the one thing I can't tell you about is my day, unless, that is, you are deeply interested in the minutiae of trying to ensure that an API (Application Programming Interface) returns the correct data from a data warehouse...jeez, even I'm starting to yawn...or my nearly half hour long fight to get Skype to login on the worst laptop ever invented...and, yes, I did turn the fucking thing off and on again. Or the hour long telephone conference where I was absolutely dying for a piss after half an hour and thought that my bladder was going to explode, however I have found that it is quite possible to carry on a completely cogent conversation with four different people whilst using the pee bottle. I will say that was a first for me, taking a piss in the middle of a meeting whilst still talking. But, and this is the very nub, my day was by and large filled with dreary work related shite that you really do not want to hear about.
I could tell you about my new chair,...that was moderately exciting, for me anyway...as I have told you, my principle means of locomotion is the office chair. It means I can wheel myself into the kitchen and inspect the contents of the fridge and make tea and toast at two in the morning. The only problem is, it is a very elderly office chair, I'm fairly sure it was the result of one of Helen's many roadside scavenging trips, so I have no idea how old it is but I've worn through the fabric on the back and now the wheels won't roll properly. This is a considerable inconvenience to the office chair bound cripple,...am I allowed to use the word 'cripple' even about myself? Somehow it seems wrong...especially a fat middle aged cripple who can only use one leg. One of the wheels will intermittently stop going round and if that is the wheel that is currently leading the charge...as it were...then if my quite considerable bulk is not evenly distributed it will do it's best to decant me onto the floor. This was moderately exciting the first time it happened but after the twentieth repetition it swiftly became a complete pain in the arse. So a quick visit to the marvel that is Amazon and I purchased a new chair that arrived today.
Therefore with considerable...fuck me, that's about the 10th time I've used 'considerable', I'm open to suggestions for alternatives... foresight I emailed the seller to explain that I might not be here and could they leave it in the porch. They replied with a firm 'nolle prosequi',...no I haven't a fucking clue what it means either, it just makes me sound erudite...they would only leave it if it could be welcomed into the bosom of the family personally. However,...jeez however is raising it's ugly head again...they also intimated that it was going to be delivered on Tuesday, whoo hoo, oh hang on...I'm supposed to go to the doctors on Tuesday, but, I am nothing if not decisive, especially when it comes to having new purchases delivered. It was but the work of a moment to cancel the trip to the doctors and sit around in bed all day, pissing during meetings and drinking tea. Eventually we heard the fateful knock on the door and the chair arrived.
I leapt from my bed and hobbled into the hall, released the chair from it's cardboard confines and, after much swearing, assembled it and...and sat on it. That's it really, I put it together and sat on it and it rolls along quite satisfactorily.
Now, I know I promised that I would be departing from the script at the beginning of this latest witter, but the arrival of daughters, spouses and phone calls from mothers in law, completely expunged from my brain whatever it was I was going to tell you. I will endeavour to remember at some later date.
Cheers
Charlie
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