Hospitals, morphine and piss :)

Do these things happen to other people in hospital? I've had the operation and come round in the recovery ward. While the general anaesthetic wears off I spend most of the time asleep. I've got those little oxygen prongs in my nose, the problem with these is you get a really dry throat and drink loads. During the night I'm in ridiculous amounts of pain and spent quite a lot of my time on morphine, on morphine and drinking copious quantities of water.

The result of this is that you piss, like a horse and I fill up two bottles with a fine vintage,  I wake up when the nurse comes in to do the obs and give me more morphine, I tell her the last bottle is full and she says that she'll get someone to come in and empty it. So I'm lying there tripping off my tits on morphine and the urge to pee comes over me, it's alright the nurse will be here in a minute with another bottle but she doesn't arrive and I'm now getting a bit desperate.

Right,  I can use the partly filled bottle, now bear in mind that the end of the bed is raised, I position the bottle and, because it's pointing downhill towards me, gently pour cold urine over my own bollocks. I then have to confess to the nurse that I have basically poured piss over myself and the bed 😀

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5. Just Go Ahead and Die Quietly

Image
< Previous  -  Next > We have many preconceptions about cancer, these are fed by a deluge of slightly inaccurate information from books, magazines, television and most of all these days, bloody wellness influencers.  I am starting to come to to the conclusion that there is a Darwinian imperative lurking in the pernicious trend of believing every fucking thing that is on the internet rather than a proper scientific double blind trial conducted by people who have been studying their field for years. The conclusion is this, we should encourage this trend as much as we can as it will thin out the herd for the rest of us. Apologies, cynical grumpy old man came to the fore a bit there, lets get back to cancerous inaccuracies, watch any series on the TV and a protaganist will get cancer, they will be rushed to a hospital that is the only one willing to try a new procedure, the cancer will be removed and then we will see them celebrating with their tearful relatives.  ...
Read more

14: Well, you can live on it, but it tastes like shit

Image
< Previous   | Next > It’s the end of week 5 of chemo and radiotherapy. Not much has happened of note. My life has distilled down to 4 distinct things, work, radiotherapy, a soupcon of television and sleep. This does not make for very scintillating blog writing.   To pick up from where we left off, Helen and I had staggered to the car overburdened with Fortisips and returned to Butcombe like medically challenged Father Christmases, laden with gifts that no bugger in his right mind would want. We had many people round for a meal on the Saturday night and I cooked a tofu and mushroom curry with coconut cream. I supplemented this with Mediterranean Rice and Lentils as the amount of people coming kept exponentially increasing until I lost count. There was a certain amount of uncertainty on my part as I couldn’t taste the curry and had to rely on other people to taste it and tell me whether it was OK.  I on the other hand was reprising Paul Hogan in Crocodile Dundee...
Read more

13: Abandoning My Principles

Image
< Previous | Next > It’s a Thursday and I am three weeks into the cancer treatment.  The first week had been pretty uneventful, I felt a little nausea and there were some changes happening in my mouth and throat that I had not ordered but nothing that startling. What I definitely have not ordered is what is happening to my sense of taste, to be frank, it appears to have fucked off never to be seen again.  What is the most disconcerting is the food that I find the worst is my own.  By this I mean that I am the principal cook in the Acheson-Crow household and do nearly all the cooking.  At age fourteen my daughter decided to become vegetarian and from then on very nearly all the food I've cooked has been vegetarian. I couldn’t be bothered with doing two lots of meals for the sake of a bit of meat. To be fair, during the 90’s I was almost completely ‘brassic’ and at one point was existing on exactly £10 a week for food, which, even thirty years ago, was fairly dr...
Read more