Once Upon a Time
Once upon a time...all the best stories begin with 'once upon a time...there was a fat man who lived in a bed with a small white dog and an orange plaster cast. The dog was called Henry but I am not sure the plaster cast was called anything at all...for the purposes of this story we shall call him Horris...which was once the name of a frog but that was a long time ago.
Henry spent most of his time sleeping, and when he wasn't sleeping he spent most of his time eating, and when he wasn't eating he spent most of his time snuffling at this and that in the garden and then peeing on it. It was very important to pee on as many things as possible because then they belonged to him. In this way he had claimed most of the garden as his own and a good proportion of the road around the village where he lived.
Horris on the other hand had never pee'd on anything...being a plaster cast was quite a boring existence...he spent most of his time being aggressively orange and annoying the fat man by making his toes twinge. Horris lived on the end of the fat man's leg and spent quite a lot of his time suspended in the air while the fat man swore at him.
One morning Horris was woken very early by the fat man, Henry was still asleep and snoring but Horris was suddenly being waved around in the air whilst the fat man muttered under his breath something about 'fucking plaster casts..mumble, mumble', Horris would have liked to tell the fat man that he wasn't actually made of plaster, but some sort of fibre glass and resin, unfortunately Horris was unable to communicate due to a complete lack of any mouth. The best he could do was make the fat mans foot more uncomfortable than normal.
All the while Henry continued to snore gently whilst he slept happily on the high bed. Suddenly there was a noise from the stairs and a person appeared and asked the fat man what he was doing. Henry, woke up and pricked up his ears. There might be food, there might be opportunities to pee but...and this is a problem..that would mean leaving the bed, which was very high. There were exciting noises from the kitchen, that Henry could only just hear because he was very deaf, the most exciting noise of all was the tinkle of a knife on a plate...because it was a very high noise, Henry could just, only just, hear it. He pricked his ears up some more...if they were any more pricked they'd have left his head and gone exploring all on their own...he hauled himself to his feet and looked slightly reproachfully at the fat man. This was Henry's way of suggesting that it might be a good idea if the fat man lifted him off the bed.
The fat man sat up and then spent some time chasing Henry round the bed...even though Henry wanted to leave the bed, in fact he had suggested it, he didn't really like being picked up. Eventually he was trapped by the fat man who picked him up and put him on the floor. Henry disappeared out of the door never to be seen again...
The fat man was left on his own with Horris who was not very good company, the fat man had discovered that if he did not think about Horris, then Horris would remain fairly quiet...but, and this is another large but...if he thought about Horris then Horris would begin to annoy him, generally this took the form of making his toes twinge, occasionally Horris would make the inside of his ankle ache, but the most fun was making the fat man's foot itch. This would make the fat man leap around in the bed in a most disconcerting manner.
Horris found that he could make the fat man dream about scratching inside Horris with a knitting needle, unfortunately for the fat man this was not allowed, so instead he wrote some complete and utter bollocks on his new computer and then shared it with the world...
Henry spent most of his time sleeping, and when he wasn't sleeping he spent most of his time eating, and when he wasn't eating he spent most of his time snuffling at this and that in the garden and then peeing on it. It was very important to pee on as many things as possible because then they belonged to him. In this way he had claimed most of the garden as his own and a good proportion of the road around the village where he lived.
Horris on the other hand had never pee'd on anything...being a plaster cast was quite a boring existence...he spent most of his time being aggressively orange and annoying the fat man by making his toes twinge. Horris lived on the end of the fat man's leg and spent quite a lot of his time suspended in the air while the fat man swore at him.
One morning Horris was woken very early by the fat man, Henry was still asleep and snoring but Horris was suddenly being waved around in the air whilst the fat man muttered under his breath something about 'fucking plaster casts..mumble, mumble', Horris would have liked to tell the fat man that he wasn't actually made of plaster, but some sort of fibre glass and resin, unfortunately Horris was unable to communicate due to a complete lack of any mouth. The best he could do was make the fat mans foot more uncomfortable than normal.
All the while Henry continued to snore gently whilst he slept happily on the high bed. Suddenly there was a noise from the stairs and a person appeared and asked the fat man what he was doing. Henry, woke up and pricked up his ears. There might be food, there might be opportunities to pee but...and this is a problem..that would mean leaving the bed, which was very high. There were exciting noises from the kitchen, that Henry could only just hear because he was very deaf, the most exciting noise of all was the tinkle of a knife on a plate...because it was a very high noise, Henry could just, only just, hear it. He pricked his ears up some more...if they were any more pricked they'd have left his head and gone exploring all on their own...he hauled himself to his feet and looked slightly reproachfully at the fat man. This was Henry's way of suggesting that it might be a good idea if the fat man lifted him off the bed.
The fat man sat up and then spent some time chasing Henry round the bed...even though Henry wanted to leave the bed, in fact he had suggested it, he didn't really like being picked up. Eventually he was trapped by the fat man who picked him up and put him on the floor. Henry disappeared out of the door never to be seen again...
The fat man was left on his own with Horris who was not very good company, the fat man had discovered that if he did not think about Horris, then Horris would remain fairly quiet...but, and this is another large but...if he thought about Horris then Horris would begin to annoy him, generally this took the form of making his toes twinge, occasionally Horris would make the inside of his ankle ache, but the most fun was making the fat man's foot itch. This would make the fat man leap around in the bed in a most disconcerting manner.
Horris found that he could make the fat man dream about scratching inside Horris with a knitting needle, unfortunately for the fat man this was not allowed, so instead he wrote some complete and utter bollocks on his new computer and then shared it with the world...
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