Unwashed Guests
Helen and I were reclining in the sitting room just the
other day, watching something improving on the television when I received a text from the guests in the Airbnb…”Hi
Charlie, there is something wrong with the shower and we can’t turn it off”.
This was not good news and I apprehensively made my way over to the
cottage.
Sure enough there was water pouring out of the shower hose
and no conceivable way of turning it off as the tap had come loose. The tap was
just merrily turning round and round with no obvious way of tightening it up. I
swore, gently, under my breath…can’t upset the paying customers after all. The tap was too close to the wall to see how
to remove it.
After paddling around in a shower tray full of water for
something like two days it eventually occurred to me to look at the other tap
to see how it was affixed. Hurrah, it
has a cap that you can prise off, or at least you could prise off if it wasn’t
so close to the wall that you can’t access it.
A small bout of frenzied cogitation later I toddled into the house and
procured a paper clip and so managed to get the cap off the end of the blasted
tap. All the while the guests are sitting
on the sofa, one of whom was still in her bathing attire, pretending that
nothing was amiss.
The tap had a Philips screw that could be tightened so I
promptly did this and told the guests that I, with my superior plumbing skills,
had fixed the problem. Approximately 5
minutes later he came over to the house and told me I hadn't...Doh! The next
step was to remove the aforesaid plastic piece of shit and have a look. Of course, the internal fittings are lovely
hard brass and presumably no one at the company that produced this thing had
worked out that marrying brass with plastic was basically a recipe for disaster.
However, I am nothing if not resourceful, I applied glue to
the splines and fixed the tap back on.
It did last for a marvellous two hours before the guests were back with
a tap that now wouldn't turn on...at least no paddling was involved.
Right, drastic measures were called for and the guests had
taken themselves off to peruse the delights of Cheddar Gorge. I took the tap off completely and attached a
pair of mole grips that would enable the guests to operate the tap if I couldn’t
fix the bloody thing.
I took a picture of the mixer with my trusty phone and set off
for Bristol clutching the tap in my sweaty hand. I’m not sure why I bothered to do this as the
fucking mixer had no indication anywhere of who had made it and from bitter
previous experience, I was fully aware that even if taps are eminently removable,
no bugger will actually possess any spare parts. Prescient of me, I know…mind you I still carefully
travelled 6 or so miles to be told by two separate plumbing emporiums that I
was basically a fucking idiot…I knew this already so why I needed to go to a
shop to be told it I’m not sure.
Having spent at least a couple of hours of deliberately wasted time I returned home and drilled a hole in the tap that I could fit with a grub screw and then for good measure drilled into the brass splines, liberally applied glue and put the whole lot back together. Alright it was a little more involved, I had to drill a larger hole on the outside of the tap in order for the screw to reach the inside and when I tried to do the screw up it promptly disappeared inside the body of the tap.
This happened at least three
times, I didn’t want to take the tap off again due to the vast amount of glue I
had applied. Eventually I managed to get
a screw to tighten up…ish.
All this effort was just to try and allow the guests...who
were now starting to smell a little ripe...at least one shower before they
left.
However, I was just deferring more plumbing horror as glue
and a frankly dodgy screw were not going to hold up for long and the search was
begun for a replacement. It had to have brass taps. Now, if you search for a
shower with brass taps you basically get back every tap ever made, and most of
these are being ever so slightly economical with the truth. None of the blasted adverts or blurb ever say,
by the way our mixer comes with brass taps...not even the one I eventually
bought says that...but and this is a crucial but, it does mention solid brass
and all brass internals. This was looking good. It also had the right
dimensions, also very good.
To top it off a previous review mentioned that the taps are
brass and it's very easy to fit. I went
ahead and bought it and impatiently and I have to say somewhat excitedly (I
don't get out much) waited for it to arrive, which it did in a gratifyingly
short time. The box was reassuringly
heavy, the tap was wrapped lovingly in its own bag and when it was released
from captivity the taps were indeed brass. (I did a short, dignified jig around
the kitchen).
My joy was slightly short lived when the next morning after
the guests had left, I went excitedly into the cottage with my new purchase to
find that my previous tap had a bottom outlet…fuck, fuck…fuckity fuck…and the thermostatic
valve and the tap were the other way round…arsing fucking arse biscuits.
No matter, I will ignore
these issues and press on regardless. If
you are fitting a new shower valve then at least take a cursory glance at the
old one is my advice.
All in all, this tap does exactly what is says on the tin and I would recommend it to everyone who prefers freshly showered Airbnb guests.
(https://www.victorianplumbing.co.uk/round-minimalist-top-outlet-bar-shower-valve)
Other taps are available, this is just the one I bought…so there!
PS: Just to annoy me further the repair on the old tap appears to be completely solid so there is a very good chance that I didn’t have to do any of this ☹
PPS: Bless 'em, they gave us a five star review
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