Vegan Full Nelson

Sooo... last year I did a diabetes review where the numbers were up considerably, this means I am in more danger from the exploding brain..not good in other words

 I tried reducing said numbers by being good, this had absolutely no effect...almost certainly because rather than being good I was crap and couldn't help, basically, inhaling the contents of the fridge.  Another diabetes review and they put me on a higher dose of Metformin and told me to come back in three months and they would tell me whether I should get my affairs in order and call the funeral director or whether I was good for another year or so. 

 Life rolls on and we enter 2020, the year of the Rat, and things have changed somewhat. Ocean and Alberto are living with us, we are in lockdown and we've been on a totally vegetarian diet for getting on for six months. The only animal fat I'm having is milk, butter and cheese.  No really, you don't understand...there are times when I have proposed marriage to a block of Stilton...I really love cheese...mmm cheese.

 Yet another diabetes review and lo and behold all my numbers are now spunky...woohoo much celebration... 

 "Your cholesterol Mr Crow, I see you are taking statins. All the numbers are looking good".

 Yesss I am a diabetic God! 

 "However..."  what do you mean fucking However... 

 "...However, your triglycerides are a little high". 

 I wouldn't know a triglyceride if it jumped up and bit me on the inner thigh and sang the Marseillaise, but Hey, it can't be that bad, after all she's already told me that my numbers are good.

 "Triglycerides are the fats that float around in your blood"

 Fuck, I mean really major fuckity fuckity fuck...in 2010 I had roughly 30 mini strokes, this is not something that I recommend as a fun and engaging pastime, and I shall quote the brain surgeon when they found out what the problem was.

 "See this narrowing here, in your mid cerebral artery", whilst pointing at a CT scan of my brain.

 "Oh yes", actually Oh no...I can't see anything as the CT scan of my brain looks like a heat map of a fresh cow turd but I want to look intelligent.


"Well this is what is causing the strokes"

 This does not sound good, how the bejiggery fuck do you de-narrow an artery in the middle of your brain??

 "What happens is the plaque that is floating in your blood", ...Big Ben style alarm bells going off..."it gets caught by the narrowing and builds up, then every so often its firing off particles of plaque into your brain causing the mini strokes"

 Big fuck off alarm bells are now ringing loud and clear.  Tri-fucking-glycerides are not good for me.  Back to the lovely diabetes nurse.

 "So we are really happy with everything but you need to try and reduce the triglycerides, you need to reduce the amount of animal fat you eat"

 "Are you fucking joking" I scream down the phone whilst leaping up and down in rage...well alright...what I actually say is "Ok I'll work on that, thank you very much"

 And there we have it, I have been neatly caught in a vegan full nelson.  My body has just told me that I'm becoming a vegan whether I like it or not...I don't like it...mmm cheese.

 I'm sitting typing this sad missive whilst sipping on a refreshing cup of hot water, having not long finished my breakfast...muesli with oatmilk and vegan yoghurt.  And so begins the big experiment, no animal fat whatsoever in my diet, it'll be interesting if I manage to keep this up to see what the numbers are next time...watch this space

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